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This is a very good reflection exercise. Since I have been given this topic, I have been thinking really hard to see what one specific adversity happened in my life before and after I studied Buddhism that I can compare. I finally have to say that it is my health and the pain associated with it.
While growing up as a child, I always had stomach pain, but the doctors turned me away because they said I was too young to be sick. The doctors put me on pain medication and told me the pain would go away. I remember times when I was rolling on the floor in the living room holding my stomach and complaining to my parents about my pain. Did they not care about me? Now that I look back, they ignored me not because they didn't care; it was because I was complaining too much and there was nothing they could do to help me.
When I was in high school, I started to suffer from low back pain. Not knowing what had triggered it, none of the doctors really did anything to help ease the pain. They assumed that it would eventually go away, or I would not complain about it anymore. At least at my age, they didn't think it was anything serious. I've gone to see physical therapists, sports injury specialists, chiropractors and even an acupuncturist. No one could do anything that could ease the pain. Their treatments either had no affect or only gave temporary relief. At that time, even a day of relief was appreciated. I started having negative thoughts toward doctors and medications. I began losing faith in doctors and always resented going back to them since they couldn't help me.
By the time I was in college, new pain and symptoms started to appear. I started to get sciatica (nerve pain) radiating down my legs. This made it difficult for me to drive and sit in class for long periods of time. I continued going to physical therapy and seeing a chiropractor for temporary relief. Again, the stereotype of my age being too young had a big part in the therapist's analysis. I was easily irritated by the thoughts of my age and the doctors not accepting the fact that there was something wrong with me that was causing my pain. By this time, I grew tired; I started to accept the fact that my back pain was chronic and that I would have to live with it for the rest of my life. I remember thinking to myself. 'Why me? What did I do to deserve this?' Not knowing the principles of Cause & Effect, I didn't realize that these symptoms could have been caused by an accumulation of past karma. I continued to go to different doctors hoping that one day someone could find something to help with my pain and problem. Doing this was just an action to satisfy myself so I could say I have done something by trying to seek someone for help.
Each day passed with the thought that my 'chronic pain' would be stuck with me forever. I mentally learned to accept the fact that my body has to adapt to the pain. As I got older, my pain kept coming and going. Over a year and a half ago, I started to endure another new type of pain. My neck, shoulder and arms were hurting to a pain level that was much
more intense than my back at this point. I use to think that it was unfair for me to have to go through this kind of 'torture'.
This type of torture aggravated my anger at home. Thinking that no one could understand my pain the way I do, I was very ignorant and expected my family to sympathize with my pain. This time the pain was irritable to a point where it affected my performance at work. That was when I decided it was unacceptable for me. I needed to really find someone to figure out what I needed to fix the pain. Luckily, two months ago, I was referred to a specialist who took the time to find out exactly the trigger area that was causing pain in my neck and shoulder. I have gone through an epidural injection procedure, which has diminished the pain tremendously. Currently, I have only have minor sporadic pains that I can deal with because it has diminished to a very low pain level .
Since I started going to Buddha Gate Monastery, I realized I had many negative thoughts and I was selfish in thinking that the increase of my pain was due to the incompetence of the doctors. I blamed my family for not understanding my sufferings, when it was my own anger that I was to blame. I let the pain I've been growing up with overpower me. The chain reaction explains the example of Cause & Effect. Now that I have started to utilize my Buddhist practice, I've come to realize that my actions play a huge part in how I should react to my pain. I've started to recognize and judge my behavior and situations differently. One major change that I've put into practice is to slow down my multi-task lifestyle and only attend to things I believe I can handle and that are important.
After taking meditation classes and listening to the Dharma talks, it seems like a luxury to take the time to sit and meditate. With our mind full of many thoughts, we need to purify our mind in order to have a clear understanding of what issues we are facing and how we are to deal with them. I also realize I was too attached to my body being in pain. My body is impermanent so I need to accept the pain at that very moment and then let that thought go. By changing my negative views and instead of complaining about it, I tell myself to let go of the thought of pain and it will subside on it's own, eventually.
I never imagined that I could learn from my own pain. It is not the pain my body is going through that I am listening to, but it is my mind that I need to pay attention to. Giving my physical body rest and taking the time to take care of myself can give me the opportunity to become aware of myself and helps me determine what my next step will be. Since I still have pain after I started practicing Buddhism, I have gradually started meditating longer daily and used that time to calm my mind down. It is funny how my whole body feels much lighter and the pain does not linger on as long now that I think about it differently.
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