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Life presents us with daily opportunities to react in anger. From the news in the morning, to the commute, to the grind of the workplace, and again the news in the evening, bills, things breaking down, nothing ever goes right, anger is easily presented to us.
Someone I was acquainted with a few years ago pointed out that I was an angry person. That surprised me because I didn't see that in myself, so I asked several close friends if I seemed to be an angry person to them. The general answer was "no", rather I appeared to be deeply saddened at the injustice, unfairness of the world around me. If I appeared angry, it was my profound reaction to the injustices I saw. The hypocrisy and the ignorance of what was plain as day to me, that others didn't see or didn't want to see. There are some who are angry that I'm not angry too, and others who are angry that I appear to be angry (a reflection on their part?). I just couldn't win. Happy though, I was not.
I think it was Mahatma Gandhi that I first read, "If you want to change the world, begin with yourself". So I began my quest to find happiness and to change the world. Simple.
About a year ago I got a speeding ticket on the highway. I was going at the same rate of speed as most everyone around me, 79 mph (honest, some were passing me). A few years earlier I would have been really upset that the policeman stopped me. I was doing about the same speed as everyone else, so why did he choose me? I thought for a split second that it was unfair, but I didn't react that way. Just a few days earlier, on that same road and in almost the same spot, a person nearly ran me off the road. There was no road rage on my part. I realized that in the big motor home that the person was driving, their view was blocked and they just didn't see me. I could have said, "Why wasn't the cop there when that happened". But I didn't. I understood at the time that the police couldn't be everywhere. At this moment he had to stop someone and I was it. An earlier accident had help up traffic for two hours and everyone was speeding to catch up to themselves. I could have tried to use that excuse, but the bottom line was, I was speeding. I was just going along with the flow, it's true, but I was still speeding. Why me I thought? The answer is .just because. And that's it. It was my day to get a ticket.
What was happening to me, I questioned? Getting run off the road. Getting a ticket that might have been unfair. I had every right to be angry and upset, but what good would that have done me. None. So in those split seconds I made a choice, to not be angry. To take responsibility for my actions. I had been about twenty years since I had gotten a ticket, so I knew only money would be involved. A couple hundred bucks, but no long term consequences. That may have been part of the reason I could remain so calm. The policeman even apologized that he "had" to give me a ticket. I'm changing, I thought. It's all about choices, and so far, I'm choosing to not be upset.
It's been a long and circuitous route to Buddhism for me and finding Buddha Gate is as much a surprise for me, as I'm sure it's not a surprise to my friends (my lifelong friends are not of any particular faiths). It's as if the minute I said to myself I want to change, I found Buddha Gate, or it found me, one never really knows. I guess it had been about 6 months or so before getting that ticket that I had my first class at Buddha Gate. That's where I discovered that I had a choice about how I react to adversity. I heard that said many times before but didn't really understand it. I was very surprised at how the nuns could diffuse almost any situation. Being a Westerner, we have some rote responses to everyday situations. When pushed, we push back, when challenged, we respond in kind, when offended, we offend, and often we look for ways to be offended. Some of these things we do are so subtle and automatic that we don't even notice them. The nuns on the other hand, have a different way of responding to every situation, and for me so far, I can't see a consistent pattern. But I do see consistency in the teachings of Buddhist philosophy. Yes, life gives us many opportunities to be angry, but revelation: anger is a choice. I can choose to be angry or offended, or not.
I think I'm still new at this, but I'm learning every day. I must admit that I don't meditate as often and as sincerely as I should, and that I don't accept everything I'm taught at face value, but I have found that what I didn't accept at one time, a year or so later, it seems simply obvious. I often ask myself, why didn't I see things that way before? Osmosis? Maybe. But the practice and constant observance are sinking in, slowly at times, but sinking in nonetheless. And happiness is creeping in where the sadness used to live, and to my surprise, the world is changing, too.
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