Buddha Gate Monastery

Sometime, in early 1960, while attending city college, I became interested in finding out the meaning of life. Between class breaks, I would sit in my car and write all my thoughts in a notebook. I thought I could think out the meaning of life. The notebooks were lost and the only thing I can still remember to this day is one thought that I wrote "the only secret to life was that there was no secret." The meaning of life was simply before my very eyes. The problem was, I could not see it or did not know how to see it. Toward the end of the 1960's, I joined the military. The USA was still engulfed in the Vietnam war. While in the military, I continued my searched for the meaning of life. With the protests against the war still raging, hippies experimenting with LSD, and the movement toward eastern philosophy, life to me seemed more absurd. After two unsuccessful marriages, and several unproductive jobs, the compulsion to seek and "answer" or "way" became stronger. I decided to enroll in a few religious evening courses.

I took a course in Judaism and the Old Testament. I thought this course would guide me back to my Jewish heritage and a meaning to my life. The course only clarified that the Old Testament was written by prophets and writers whose writing could be divided, by historical periods, into "J" and "Y" documents. This course stimulated my interest in Buddhism, Chan and Taoism. I found myself searching out and collecting books on Buddhism, Chan and Taoism. My library was growing, but I was not growing. During this time, I met a wonderful woman of Islamic faith. We fell in love and married. I began to study Islam. Particularly Sufism. In the 1990's I became interested in Existentialism. I was fascinated with Camus's "Life is Absurd", Martin Heidegger's "Search for the Meaning of Being" and Satre's "Human's Make their own Meanings". I could see similarities in the concepts of European Existentialism, Sufism and Eastern ways of thoughts. I became a lay scholar researcher of philosophical and religious ideas and practices. I realized that I could not make a commitment to a practice. All I had done was to gather hundreds of concepts about the different ways toward enlightenment. I had now reached a state of confusion. One day I was thumbing through some poems by Sufi Mystic Rumi. A line of his poetry sparked an inner yes. The line read "die before you die". Yes, that was it. I had to die to all the illusions created by my ego. It was a positive realization, but it carried with it a great fear. I quickly discovered that it was just this fear of dying to the ego that held me back from making a commitment to a practice. For forty years of my life, I thought that I could think my way to enlightenment. How wrong I was. It took a lot of courage to take my first step toward a practice.

A friend told me about the Buddha Gate Monastery. After much debate with myself. I decided to visit. I met and talked with the Chan Master of this beautiful establishment. I met the Abbess Master Jian Pin. I told her my story and the Abbess looked into my eyes and said that it was my karma to come to the Buddha Gate Monastery. I had a feeling that I had finally come home. She suggested me to attend the meditation class. My first meditation experience in Buddha Gate was no an easy task. I experienced the "monkey mind". However, after many attempts, my mind has begun to settle down. Now each time I meditate, my mind becomes more and more stable. I let the thought come and go and try not to identify. My body still becomes resistant to the sitting meditation. It will probably take many years of practice. In the class Master Jian Pin teaches me that all my mental activity is my mind constructing an illusive reality. This is the reality that is created by my ego. My ego has created my world of pleasure, doubt and fear. This is the me that comprehends the world in terms of its need for security, nourishment, protection and attention. It's my ego stillness is a death. Meditation is a way to slowly die into life, to die and be reborn to the life. Meditation at Buddha Gate and the teaching of Master Jian Pin are a unique and exceptional combination. If this is my karma, then I am pleased to know that I am home.